Knives

tldr: Come tomorrow, it's to be knives at dawn. Or maybe midafternoon.

Nurses and staff here at Duke - Even the travel nurses - Seem to ask the same questions. Inquires only yielded 'I can neither confirm nor deny that small talk training is a thing'.

How'd you meet your wife? - This is a good one. I assumed that maybe bringing the conversation in this direction might also encourage good behavior towards the nursing staff. Staff asserts no positive impact in this regard. Even sexual harassment enthusiasts will chat about how they met their wives.

So do you live close to here? - Yep, just 3 miles away. I could walk home from here.

Do you have children? How many? - Yep - 2. 13 and 15. They're nice kids. Beating the hell out of me in Blockus in the lobby? That's them.

Do you go to a church near here? - Uhhh - I'm pretty sure 'church near here' wasn't in the course materials. And you know it, or else you probably would have started that conversation when your partner was still in the room. In any case, I'm happy to describe to you my last day as a churched Christian (or Christian at all). I'm not sorry if this interrupts the flow of the tract you're about to read to me.

There are no innocents here. I did subject one nurse to this conversational gambit:

Me - Guess what I did today for the first time? Nurse - ? Me - Sent my first dick pic! Nurse - Ha! Me - Yeah, what with all the swelling I was getting too many questions and had to end the discussion. I'll get my wife with it later. Nurse - Yeah, a lot of guys I know don't understand what can happen down there when they are in here.

Current status is that surgeons are tired of waiting for this ostomy. They aren't the only ones. They think that going in and moving the ostomy from my right side to my left side will free up enough bowel that things will really get flowing. I've also been assured that left side ostomy's are more 'sexy for summer'.

So sometime Friday I'll be going in for another procedure that will last about 2 hours. They'll be adding at least one more hole, maybe stitching another one up, and likely opening up the main incision just a little bit maybe at the top.

I've spend the past 2 days trying not to really drink or eat anything, as everything just sits in my gut and causes me pain until I burp or throw it up. I'll find out later today what time the Friday procedure is. Then we pretty much re-start this whole 'wait for the guts' charade. Still likely to have an NG tube when I wake up Friday, which means no eating right away. And I need to get another epidural, so that'll be sticking out of my back.

Friday will mark the beginning of my 4th week in the hospital. Hopefully it will also be the beginning of my last week.

~Ed